♥ZombieSiren♥™

So annoyed,

Tell me that since I don’t have a job right now, that when I get older I’m gonna end up on welfare and that I’m just some lazy fuck living a shitty life.

It’s like, the fuck? I’m 21, Okay.. so I don’t have a job right now…yep automatically means I’m gonna be on welfare when I get older. o.O I’m 21 not 25-30-35-40 or am in debt or need to make ends meet with things or owe money.

It’s like you don’t know what goes on in my life, and then saying shit like that. I don’t have to explain my life to someone, and the things I do, or try to do. But to just go and say something like that it’s like wtf.

All I am is ever nice to people, and sweet, and generous in whatever way I can be. Maybe now after not seeing much of anyone in the last year and a half, and thinking of so many people over the years telling me that I’m too nice, I should stand up for myself atleast a little, even people still tell me that now. I’m starting to finally get that reality check at 21. Because I’ve only had problems with maybe 2 people in my entire life for me to say I literally hate them and they are forgotten about, and I’ve never been in a fight.

But it really is just like wtf.

Shits been really hard for the last couple of years since my dad passed away. Not just for me, but for my family, and all the family on my dad’s side that doesn’t even talk to us anymore since he passed. And now at the age of 21 I’ve come to the realization that I have really bad anxiety, like worse than I thought because I hold like everything sad or tragic that’s happened inside, and random anxiety for a whole bunch of things that just adds on to that. I need to get a new primary care doctor, to actually tell a doctor everything about that. My grandma just passed away recently too, they’re having her funeral in the spring..where my dad’s whole side of the family will be at. You know it’s gonna be nice seeing them, but ever since they stopped talking to us after my dad passed just made me think like wow, I thought family’s stuck together, especially with how close we all were before that. And then completely cut off, my nerves are so shot about that funeral. It’s going to be awkward idek if it’ll be in a big or small way. But it makes me really anxious thinking about it.

And the last year and a half since I quit my last job has been really tough to actually try and find a new one, I’ve applied numerous places over and over and haven’t had any luck. But I’m still trying some places online and when the weather gets a bit warmer, I’m gonna start walking around my city looking for anywhere that’s hiring especially random places and stores I never knew about.

My life isn’t all peaches and cream, but I try to make the best out of it with what I do have, and make the best out of it even more when I do find a job. Maybe people aren’t there for me like they were before but what I do know is that I have my mom, and my brother, my papa, and my boyfriend. And that’s what’s kept me really happy and like sane from the sadness I felt from not getting to see the friends I use to see all the time, but it seems like so much has changed since I quit my last job. Everything’s different and it feels different with my relationship with the friends i saw all the time. And right now I really don’t mind just hanging out with my nerdy weird self at home. Eh it gets lonely sometimes, but no big deal. I get to talk to my boyfriend, and see him when he gets to stop by, and every other week or couple weeks go spend a few nights at his house and relax and be happy. :)

I just want to be happy, that’s all. And the things that seem to make me really happy right now, is the random family time that does happen once in a while around here, my amazing boyfriend and the things we do and just the time I get to spend with him no matter if it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours or a few days it makes me so happy; he makes me so happy♥, The little things I get to research or watch on my computer, my new lion king kiss dolls :3, the nerdy things I look up to read, all the foreign films and amazing movies, music, a delicious snack, researching, making random lists of things, random tv shows I’ve been keeping up with since the beginning, the thoughts of getting back into drawing and debating what the hell I should take up in college when I do sign up for classes, and the things I can’t wait to save up for once I do get a job. The little things make me happy, so many little things just make me purely happy.

Especially tonight too, I’m helping my mom cook a family dinner for me, her, my brother, his girlfriend, and probably my papa. Just wish my boyfriend could join, but he’s out of the state DJing and having a great time with his friends :) so no biggy, I just know he would’ve really liked this meal! We’re making some really delicious and a bit different kind of spaghetti and decided to make a salad to go with it! And then after that a new episode of “The walking dead” comes on tonight :3

I like living a Drama free life, always have, and have been doing a top notch job with a few speed bumps and down falls for the last 21 years. I shouldn’t let people get me down, or shouldn’t feel still really connected and sad about wanting the friendship that me and those few friends i did see all the time over a year and a half ago get my hopes up for ever thinking it’ll be the same or get me down cause i know it’s all different. I should live in the now, and hope my future’s great.

Gosh, when I write things like this I feel like I should write “Dear Diary” lol but I like to write on here, and don’t have a diary because I never could really keep up with them. Ha, and definitely can’t put random cool video’s and songs in a book either.

Been up all night, Pulled an all nighter was planning on pulling one anyways, but after someone said that on my facebook that was totally uncalled for after I got out of my bubblebath, I’ve just been stressed out. I went from sad, to just in a pissed whatever mood. It felt like I got a wound and had salt poured on it and then was given brass knuckles. If that makes sense, I’m sad but angry and it’s so weird for me to feel angry cause I almost never get mad at things, things would usually just make me mostly just sad. I’ve always been like that. But I’m just in a whatever, I don’t really have the energy to want to care kind of mood. And after writing all this, it made me feel atleast a little bit better.

So I’m going to drink my Nos my mom got me when we were getting the rest of the food for tonight, go have a cigarette, finish watching supernatural and any other shows I have to look up to see if I missed, and just relax.