“Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence– whether much that is glorious– whether all that is profound– does not spring from disease of thought– from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.”—Edgar Allan Poe (via totallydarius)
Tell me that since I don’t have a job right now, that when I get older I’m gonna end up on welfare and that I’m just some lazy fuck living a shitty life.
It’s like, the fuck? I’m 21, Okay.. so I don’t have a job right now…yep automatically means I’m gonna be on welfare when I get older. o.O I’m 21 not 25-30-35-40 or am in debt or need to make ends meet with things or owe money.
It’s like you don’t know what goes on in my life, and then saying shit like that. I don’t have to explain my life to someone, and the things I do, or try to do. But to just go and say something like that it’s like wtf.
All I am is ever nice to people, and sweet, and generous in whatever way I can be. Maybe now after not seeing much of anyone in the last year and a half, and thinking of so many people over the years telling me that I’m too nice, I should stand up for myself atleast a little, even people still tell me that now. I’m starting to finally get that reality check at 21. Because I’ve only had problems with maybe 2 people in my entire life for me to say I literally hate them and they are forgotten about, and I’ve never been in a fight.
But it really is just like wtf.
Shits been really hard for the last couple of years since my dad passed away. Not just for me, but for my family, and all the family on my dad’s side that doesn’t even talk to us anymore since he passed. And now at the age of 21 I’ve come to the realization that I have really bad anxiety, like worse than I thought because I hold like everything sad or tragic that’s happened inside, and random anxiety for a whole bunch of things that just adds on to that. I need to get a new primary care doctor, to actually tell a doctor everything about that. My grandma just passed away recently too, they’re having her funeral in the spring..where my dad’s whole side of the family will be at. You know it’s gonna be nice seeing them, but ever since they stopped talking to us after my dad passed just made me think like wow, I thought family’s stuck together, especially with how close we all were before that. And then completely cut off, my nerves are so shot about that funeral. It’s going to be awkward idek if it’ll be in a big or small way. But it makes me really anxious thinking about it.
And the last year and a half since I quit my last job has been really tough to actually try and find a new one, I’ve applied numerous places over and over and haven’t had any luck. But I’m still trying some places online and when the weather gets a bit warmer, I’m gonna start walking around my city looking for anywhere that’s hiring especially random places and stores I never knew about.
My life isn’t all peaches and cream, but I try to make the best out of it with what I do have, and make the best out of it even more when I do find a job. Maybe people aren’t there for me like they were before but what I do know is that I have my mom, and my brother, my papa, and my boyfriend. And that’s what’s kept me really happy and like sane from the sadness I felt from not getting to see the friends I use to see all the time, but it seems like so much has changed since I quit my last job. Everything’s different and it feels different with my relationship with the friends i saw all the time. And right now I really don’t mind just hanging out with my nerdy weird self at home. Eh it gets lonely sometimes, but no big deal. I get to talk to my boyfriend, and see him when he gets to stop by, and every other week or couple weeks go spend a few nights at his house and relax and be happy. :)
I just want to be happy, that’s all. And the things that seem to make me really happy right now, is the random family time that does happen once in a while around here, my amazing boyfriend and the things we do and just the time I get to spend with him no matter if it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours or a few days it makes me so happy; he makes me so happy♥, The little things I get to research or watch on my computer, my new lion king kiss dolls :3, the nerdy things I look up to read, all the foreign films and amazing movies, music, a delicious snack, researching, making random lists of things, random tv shows I’ve been keeping up with since the beginning, the thoughts of getting back into drawing and debating what the hell I should take up in college when I do sign up for classes, and the things I can’t wait to save up for once I do get a job. The little things make me happy, so many little things just make me purely happy.
Especially tonight too, I’m helping my mom cook a family dinner for me, her, my brother, his girlfriend, and probably my papa. Just wish my boyfriend could join, but he’s out of the state DJing and having a great time with his friends :) so no biggy, I just know he would’ve really liked this meal! We’re making some really delicious and a bit different kind of spaghetti and decided to make a salad to go with it! And then after that a new episode of “The walking dead” comes on tonight :3
I like living a Drama free life, always have, and have been doing a top notch job with a few speed bumps and down falls for the last 21 years. I shouldn’t let people get me down, or shouldn’t feel still really connected and sad about wanting the friendship that me and those few friends i did see all the time over a year and a half ago get my hopes up for ever thinking it’ll be the same or get me down cause i know it’s all different. I should live in the now, and hope my future’s great.
Gosh, when I write things like this I feel like I should write “Dear Diary” lol but I like to write on here, and don’t have a diary because I never could really keep up with them. Ha, and definitely can’t put random cool video’s and songs in a book either.
Been up all night, Pulled an all nighter was planning on pulling one anyways, but after someone said that on my facebook that was totally uncalled for after I got out of my bubblebath, I’ve just been stressed out. I went from sad, to just in a pissed whatever mood. It felt like I got a wound and had salt poured on it and then was given brass knuckles. If that makes sense, I’m sad but angry and it’s so weird for me to feel angry cause I almost never get mad at things, things would usually just make me mostly just sad. I’ve always been like that. But I’m just in a whatever, I don’t really have the energy to want to care kind of mood. And after writing all this, it made me feel atleast a little bit better.
So I’m going to drink my Nos my mom got me when we were getting the rest of the food for tonight, go have a cigarette, finish watching supernatural and any other shows I have to look up to see if I missed, and just relax.
When your friends think you use them, and for something as little as weed.
Okay I admit, when I’m drunk sitting at home, all by myself watching tv or just on the computer, I tell alot of people “Hey we should smoke” or “hey we should smoke sometime” does that mean “hey smoke me up?” … no. Have I asked people to smoke me up from time to time, sure but who hasn’t. A simple no if they didn’t want to would just be fine with me. Cause I don’t really care if I get to smoke or not. And have come to the terms I’m not gonna drink when I’m sitting home by myself anymore. Because then my friends get seriously mad at me. Even last night, I post anyone wanna smoke, I’ll throw 5’s turns into this big ordeal. Did I really think it was going to happen no, if I didn’t get to smoke I wouldn’t have cared and didn’t. I remember when I had a job and had money and weed all the time and would just smoke everyone up and I never expected anything in return and still don’t. I can’t even recall the amount of times that happened, but it didn’t bother me because I had friends that wanted to chill with me all the time. I remember just handing out my mom’s xanax when someone asked, sadly and definitely not doing that anymore.
But in the last 2 years I have never felt like I didn’t really have any friends who actually just wanted to hangout with me than I do now. Maybe when I was younger in elementary and didnt really have many friends. But people I actually care about now, almost never just want to hangout with me. And you know have good sober fun. I either sit at home a majority of the time or go to my boyfriends for a few days and then come back home and spend some good ole quality time with my bedroom. There have been numerous times where I’ve asked people hey when are you free so we can hangout and that rarely ended up in actually hanging out with someone. So i ask people to let me know when there free cause chances are I’m going to be free. I do the same thing almost everyday and probably will until I get a job, in which I’m waiting till it gets warmer out so I can walk about an hour to kings highway and apply everywhere up there.
But I’m just so over it, I do fine being by myself most of the time, I’m use to it, have been since I was little. If people think that I only want them to smoke me up they should just try hanging out with me with no weed or alcohol involved, cause I’d have a pretty great time just being apart of something.
I’m an introverted/extroverted kind of person. I can handle sitting in my house by myself either reading or being a computer nerd, the same as hanging out with my friends. But I never saw a problem when anyone asked me to smoke weed with them when I had weed. Just because I never have money that much anymore doesn’t mean that I just want people to smoke me up all the time. It’s amazing how much I actually don’t smoke anymore because I have no money and don’t expect those kinds of things. And when they do happen you know I feel really grateful for that on a high level, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel grateful even when people don’t want to.
It’s just a shame you know. Going from I have the most amazing group of friends ever for about 2 years, to wow no one ever hits me up anymore for about two years. If there’s anyone who just wants to hangout you know, watch movies, play games, go to the park or the beach, walk around and just have fun without anything having to do with money involved let me know. I’m never posting anything about weed on facebook or even asking people to smoke if I have money to throw. I’ll either just inbox someone or save my money for more important things for the time being.
You know it’s really sad, reminiscing about all the good times you had with people that are barely there anymore. I just miss the company of my old friends. Maybe that’s why my anxiety’s been so bad lately, and the more and more I just sit in my house I’m shut out from everything. If it wasn’t for having such a great boyfriend I’d probably move away or would atleast want to. And that’s really sad. I care way to much about alot of people, that I barely see. Besides my boyfriend being my best friend and everything lol I miss actually having a legit best friend, someone I could be my true self with and share my secrets with. And really talked to me and wanted to hangout all the time. Because clearly alot has changed. And I’ve sat back and seen it change.
I can’t wait to get a job, and just keep busy. Cause then I’ll be hanging out with my boyfriend, sitting home being a nerd, and working and making money.